I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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