It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize