its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
