Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
