guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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