i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
