i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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