I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
