thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize