a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
