If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Even my vagina gasped.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
