when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
