Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
