I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
