i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
