I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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