I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
