It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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