Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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