forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
