I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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