I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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