That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
