I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize