i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
