I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I want her autograph on my taint
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
