i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
