i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
