Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
