She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
