Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
