At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
