you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
