my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
