you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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