I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize