There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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