...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
