I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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