It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
