Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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