My sheets look like a crime scene.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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