got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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