I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
