the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
