so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
