whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
