ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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