Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
