When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
