sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
