Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
