I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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