I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Someone shit on the floor
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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