He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
