If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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