Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
