Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
As shirtless as possible
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
