I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
